Visible From Outside Space

I hate weddings, I really do. I do look forward to someday legally marrying MK right here in PA, but that's different. Let me clarify: I hate other peoples' weddings. They suck with their Queen For A Day mentality, dried out chicken and rotini buffet, and watered down whiskey (the whiskey HAS to be watered down or I'd be under the table sooner than I am, cheap bastards).
As I've previously complained, next month one of my nephews is getting married and it has caused a big rift in the family. Now, to those regular readers of this blog you know that my family is crazy. But crazy in mostly an amusing way, putting the funk in dysfunctional. Maybe because we're all getting older and crankier, everyone's eccentricities are less endearing and more of a pain in the ass. Case in point: My niece, TAS, is not invited to my nephew's (TWR) wedding. My sister, Junior, is LIVID and is now saying that she won't go to the wedding either. It's all I've heard about for the past two days. Our mother, who is keeping all of this from Dad, has been sneaking, or skulking, around her basement making calls to all of us, which no one can hear because she's whispering into the mouthpiece. Dad's almost deaf, so this is useless. Really.
Anyway, here's what happened, at least this is what's being bandied about: Four years ago one of my other nephews (AWR) got married. TAS RSVPed that she'd attend the wedding, but was pregnant at the time and got ill and at the last minute and couldn't go. Well, apparently my sister-in-law has been harboring a grudge lo these few years and now is having her revenge by making sure that TAS is not on the guest list. My mother tried to intervene, in her typical dumbass fashion ("I just want everyone to get along, and it all blew up in my face."), to no avail. So, my other sister-in-law got involved and discovered that it's all over the fact that TAS is seen as unreliable, and if she says she's going to attend but then doesn't, like before, they have to pay the caterers regardless. So then Junior went ballistic, I mean, if this is all over a plate of food, and was screaming in the phone to such an extent that I set the phone down and got a shower with her none the wiser. When I got back on the line she was saying something about how TAS is now going to boycott all family funerals. Some of our best family moments have been at funerals! I'll never forget Junior's rambling eulogy at our grandmother's funeral. No one has ever teetered to a podium and spoken less eloquently about someone's life and death. Ever. I told Junior that TAS is a fool to boycott funerals. She should just wear a red dress and a hat with big feathers stuck in it. Nobody wants to be upstaged at their own funeral, so this would piss off the dead. It's the ultimate 'gotcha'.
Where was I going with all of this? Oh yes, the stupid petty family crap over a wedding that I don't even want to go to. I am going. I sent the RSVP back last week. MK has to go, she's the designated driver, and both of the kids are going. But Junior and her boyfriend aren't going, and neither is her son, because of TAS's exclusion. I feel torn. I feel as if I should call my brother (HUD), but he's not very accessible. He hates talking, and hates even more referring to 'feelings' and shit. So I'm at a disadvantage from the get-go by having to talk and having to mention that people's feelings are hurt. Of all my siblings I am closest in age to HUD, he's only 15 months older than me, but he's not much like me, personality-wise. We've worked together on family matters before, and have worked well together, but this is different because his wife is fucking nuts and vindictive. I don't know what to say about her, or to him about her. I'm not good friends with his wife, and I have in fact avoided her for decades. She talks too much about people behind their backs and it makes me feel insecure and sleazy, and not in way that I like (Hi MK!, you shameless hussy, you).
Sigh. I'm sure I'll have more to complain about before the actual Big Day arrives. Oh, and is it tacky to buy a gift not on their registry? I like to buy fire extinguishers as wedding gifts because nobody ever considers how much they need to have them on hand until they need one on hand. I figured I'd get them a couple of fire extinguishers and some gas masks, in case of a bio attack.